I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not