My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
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so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
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Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.