He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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