respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
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If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
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So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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