Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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