Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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