I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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