Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
