The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Randomize
