I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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