There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
