I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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