Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
