my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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