you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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