Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
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Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
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Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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