I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
