I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
