It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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