They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
