Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
These Are 19 of the Most Horrible Strangers People Had to Sit Next to
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Let's paint friendship bongs
21 Reasons You’ll Be Forever Alone
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.