Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?