I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
