She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
