she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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