i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
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So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
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He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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