i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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