At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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