If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.