Texts From Last Night

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  (+44): View more from England

  No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet

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  (+44): No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet http://tfl.nu/m8ul
  Replies (50) Good night (1219) Bad night (4558)
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.

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  (778): I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT. http://tfl.nu/jn8b
  Replies (17) Good night (1375) Bad night (4329)
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  (415): View more from California

  You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...

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  (415): You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me... http://tfl.nu/rukw
  Replies (2) Good night (2176) Bad night (1113)
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  (714): View more from California

  She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.

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  (714): She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse. http://tfl.nu/v3q7
  Replies (8) Good night (1098) Bad night (2217)
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.

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  (978): I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters. http://tfl.nu/m77a
  Replies (10) Good night (2959) Bad night (772)
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me

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  (479): Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me http://tfl.nu/g33s
  Replies (5) Good night (1957) Bad night (728)
• Favorite

  (734): View more from Michigan

  It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.

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  (734): It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth. http://tfl.nu/kgmn
  Replies (24) Good night (4924) Bad night (837)
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.

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  (734): I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony. http://tfl.nu/i9iy
  Replies (3) Good night (1498) Bad night (779)
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!

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  (304): I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!! http://tfl.nu/l5gi
  Replies (2) Good night (329) Bad night (674)
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?

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  (267): The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages? http://tfl.nu/e59q
  Replies (3) Good night (850) Bad night (438)
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  (510): View more from California

  She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.

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  (510): She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL. http://tfl.nu/icp3
  Replies (2) Good night (480) Bad night (852)
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  (819): View more from Quebec

  I feel awkward giving career advice while naked

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  (819): I feel awkward giving career advice while naked http://tfl.nu/b8zx
  Replies (2) Good night (575) Bad night (281)
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.

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  (218): I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win. http://tfl.nu/te10
  Replies (2) Good night (867) Bad night (301)
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love

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  (314): We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love http://tfl.nu/whb6
  Replies (4) Good night (757) Bad night (225)
• Favorite

  (315): View more from New York

  It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.

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  (315): It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked. http://tfl.nu/hjrn
  Replies (5) Good night (600) Bad night (146)

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