Where did you get a picture of my penis
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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