I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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