i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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