overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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