put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
