You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
