I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
