the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died