can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.