I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
the raccoons are back...
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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