i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
