All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.