Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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