Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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