I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
he just fucked me for my cheese..