hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn