I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
