I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
