I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
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it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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