So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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