Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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