so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
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Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
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I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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