you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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