Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
