I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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