why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
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Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
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Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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